![\"divorce\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/divorce.jpg?resize=164%2C300\")
when human error comes into play in car chases, and misjudgments by cops, there is often a divorce behind it. As the rest of the regular world, most officers going through a divorce can think of nothing else in that time. They find they have a hard time concentrating and they lose focus easily. Their emotions are on edge, and deep sleep is a sporadic visitor in their life. Not so bad if you are an accountant, but it can be a killer if you are a cop. Literally. And it doesn\u2019t have to be that way. This series on Divorce is about how to calm down a divorce when you are facing one. The first thing we want to talk about is the Blame Game.<\/span><\/p>\n I was a consultant with the FBI and we decided to throw three conferences to find out what was really going on with police officers. They were going to invite the best people in the world for these conferences and give them a place to stay in the academy to discuss issues on the topics. The first was Domestic Violence in law enforcement officers, the second was Suicide and the third was Divorce. The first two came off wonderfully and gave the field the basis for policy and program development. The third was interrupted by an internal transfer and lockdown after 9\/11. At that conference most psychologists would have stood up and presented internet quote of the police divorce rate being 60-70% (in the general population, somewhere around 45-50% deal with a divorce in a lifetime). A psychologist from Virginia named Mike Aamodt would have gotten up and presented a very logical technique to show that the divorce rate was the same as the general population or that there was no good research on it in policing (he actually did that research anyway using census data). I would have gotten up and presented an innovative treatment program which would have been ignored by mostly everyone for ten years.\u00a0 There is one thing I can tell you for sure, a cop is much more likely to go through a divorce than shoot his weapon at an assailant in his career, but most academies train how to shoot repeatedly and going through divorce not at all. So let\u2019s begin by learning how to treat a divorce in policing.<\/span><\/p>\n When you start getting divorce there is a rush of emotions from the ways your marriage didn\u2019t turn out like you fantasized, the predicting of the hassles associated with going through a divorce, and the misguided idea you will be stigmatized by others as a failure in the marriage. You are bound to think illogically.\u00a0 It is a failed event that could have been avoided \u201cif only\u2026.\u201d\u00a0 That \u201cif only\u201d is left to being established by the illogical thinking you have at the time.\u00a0 But, there is not an \u201cif only\u201d there.\u00a0 So, you just fantasize that by creating ways of blaming your spouse so that everyone will know he or she is at fault but not you.\u00a0 \u201cIf only he hadn\u2019t cheated.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cIf only she would have given me more sex.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cIf only they wouldn\u2019t have given more attention to the kids than me.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cIf only she would think logically.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cIf only he would have talked.\u201d\u00a0 Or, whatever, they could go on forever.\u00a0 You boil it down to one mistake and one excuse for the whole marriage to fall apart. Everyone knows there was no one reason, and by trying to blame your spouse you will look the fool.\u00a0 As often happens in the blame game, the perpetrator of blame looks really bad in the process.<\/span><\/p>\n But, the people going through a divorce have a secret inner goal.\u00a0 The woman wants to see the guy living in a refrigerator box on the street.\u00a0 The guy wants to see the girl hospitalized or walking around with a giant scarlet \u201cW\u201d on her shirt so everyone will know she is a \u201cWhacko.\u201d\u00a0 Neither is going to happen, so let\u2019s get over it.\u00a0 Get over the Blame Game immediately and the divorce will go much smoother.<\/span><\/p>\n The first goal of any divorce is to get both parties to the point where they do not have a need to punish each other for the decline of the marriage. The Blame game is responsible for not only most of the problems in the divorce, but also most of the problems after the breakup. People that can\u2019t seem to let go are keeping the Blame Game alive.\u00a0 Like most parts of life, if you keep focusing on the negative, your life will go negative.\u00a0 So essentially, whether or not you are successfully putting the blame on your partner or yourself, the process will make you fall apart and psychologically unstable.\u00a0 Blame does not really matter much as you are going to move forward apart not together.\u00a0 Essentially, the person that holds on to blame ensures they will have the greater effect from the divorce, they are likely to try other ways to hurt their partner, such as getting other people to hurt their partner.\u00a0 When those people are their friends, they can destroy friendships.\u00a0 When those people are their children, that will have many negative effects on their own kids.\u00a0 And finally, when it is a lawyer or two involve and you are looking to get involved in the blame game, the lawyer will see it as a great opportunity to find more and more attorney fees.\u00a0 Not all lawyers look to that, but many do as it is the most natural outcome of the Blame Game.\u00a0 You end up spending a lot of money unnecessarily that you could be spending on things like a new home or your kid\u2019s college education.<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0As with most things in life, this is easier said than done.\u00a0 I\u2019ll give you two techniques that tend to work with lessening blame.\u00a0 The first is the mantra.\u00a0 Have them repeat the phrase \u201cit\u2019s better to get your way than make your point,\u201d 100 times.\u00a0 It is better to act effectively than try to prove something to people who are not listening.\u00a0 Acting effectively means keeping focused on the goal and not getting into the \u201cwho did what\u201d and \u201cwho mistreated who.\u201d\u00a0 If the goal is to break up possessions, then stay focused on that goal.\u00a0 If it is to come up with a visitation schedule, they stay focused on that.\u00a0 Other mantras are repeating what your daughter will say to you later like \u201cMom I can\u2019t go to college because you spent too much money getting divorced from Dad.\u201d Or \u201cDaddy I can\u2019t go to college \u2018cause you spent too much money getting divorced from Mom.\u201d Other mantras include, \u201cI will have a good time with or without you\u201d and \u201cthe torture stop here.\u201d\u00a0 The mantra has to be motivating and get into the head of the person saying it. <\/span><\/p>\n As a therapist, you have to repeat whatever mantra you choose thousands of times in therapy. As a soon-to-be divorced person, you have to repeat it hundreds and hundreds of times. Golf counters work good if you can get one. It has to be an automatic thought. <\/span><\/p>\n On a similar note to the Blame Game is making the decision where the starting downfall of the relationship has been.\u00a0 PEOPLE FEEL THEY HAVE TO ANALYZE WHAT WENT WRONG AND DECIDE A DEFINITE TIME WHEN IT STARTING GOING BAD.\u00a0 Not the case, in fact it is opposite to mental health.\u00a0 Things went bad at sometimes during the relationship.\u00a0 Maybe it was after marriage\/wedding, maybe it was before.\u00a0 Maybe it was after the birth of a child, maybe it was before.\u00a0 Maybe he\/she changed, maybe you changed.\u00a0 Maybe it was the affair, maybe it was before the affair.\u00a0 Whatever it is, there is no use trying to locate the time or place, you are still in the situation even if you can place the time.<\/span><\/p>\n I always use the analogy that if you wanted to make a good cleaner you would take two good cleaners and put them together and they would make one super cleaner. Well, putting chlorine, a great cleaner, and ammonia, another supper cleaner, creates a form of mustard gas (not really, but it is a toxic gas).\u00a0 Sometimes two good people can create mustard gas.\u00a0 Life is full of interactions and sometimes the interaction is not favorable.\u00a0 Glycerin and nitric acid are similar chemicals that have a destructive interaction.\u00a0 Nitric acid is used in fertilizer to make things grow, glycerin is often used as a softener in facial creams.\u00a0 Mix them together and they make a serious explosive called nitro glycerin, the component of dynamite. However, to take the analogy even further, if you add some other chemical into the mix or even dilute the mix, it has no negative effects. Life mixes without knowing the toxic effects of a mix, and you have to sometimes give that the mix in your relationship can become toxic without regard for how it got there because you do not actually know all the formula.<\/span><\/p>\n These are the first two steps in getting through the beginning process of divorce \u2013 keep blame far away and keep your goal in focus, in other words \u2014 act effectively. Remember the court is mostly concerned with the distribution of property, not blaming the right person. You should be mostly concerned about a fair deal for your kids or if you don\u2019t have kids, a fair deal for you and your soon to be ex.. If you don\u2019t get your head straight, you\u2019re in for a very rough ride.<\/span><\/p>\n We will cover much more in the course of future articles, but these are the initial steps. If you get your head on straight when you look back, the divorce will still be the worst thing that happened to you in your life, and at the same time, the best thing that ever happened.<\/span><\/p>\n Site Editor:\u00a0 Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D. ABPP<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Please share this article from down below.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Please join the email list on the top of the sidebar and you can get these sent to your email.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Come back regularly for more updated articles on police psychology<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Police Psychology | Police Divorce Part 1: Shutting Down the Blame Game by\u00a0 Dr. Gary Aumiller, Ph.D.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 ABPP The real cause of police suicide is divorce or marital problems. Internal affairs investigations are a distant second. I would venture to say when human error comes into play in car chases, and misjudgments by cops, there […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[17168881],"tags":[17168911,17168797,17168831],"class_list":["post-2188","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-change","tag-divorce","tag-police-psychology","tag-police-stress"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":4245,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=4245","url_meta":{"origin":2188,"position":0},"title":"Police Psychology | Divorce in Cops and Corrections","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"October 4, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Police Psychology | Divorce in Cops and Corrections by Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D.\u00a0 ABPP I just spent the past week at the Society for Police and Criminal Psychology meeting.\u00a0 I had been the first executive director of the group and was the president the year before that, so I (with\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Public Information Bureau"","block_context":{"text":"Public Information Bureau","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168888"},"img":{"alt_text":"divorce","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/divorce-164x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":2644,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=2644","url_meta":{"origin":2188,"position":1},"title":"Police Psychology | Police Divorce Part 2: Hate to Admit","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"June 1, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Police Psychology | Police Divorce Part 2: \u00a0Hate to Admit by Dr. Gary S. Aumiller When I was in my late 20\u2019s and just married, I asked a friend of ours (who was really old, a few years short of 40) what was it like to be divorced?\u00a0 Does it\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Mastering Change"","block_context":{"text":"Mastering Change","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168881"},"img":{"alt_text":"police, divorce, psychology","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/post-divorce-242x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":5707,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=5707","url_meta":{"origin":2188,"position":2},"title":"Police Psychology: Divorce Part 3","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"March 30, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Police Psychology:\u00a0 Divorce Part 3 by Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D.\u00a0 ABPP \u00a0 \u201cAt first I was afraid, I was petrified.\u00a0 Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.\u201d So starts the 70\u2019s anthem song about the breakup.\u00a0 Gloria Gaynor in 1978 found silver, gold and platinum, and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Mastering Change"","block_context":{"text":"Mastering Change","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168881"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/post-divorce-242x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":5834,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=5834","url_meta":{"origin":2188,"position":3},"title":"Police Psychology | Divorce Part 4: Starting a New Life","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"April 27, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Police Psychology | Divorce Part 4: Starting a New Life by Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D.\u00a0 ABPP \u00a0 So, it\u2019s done!\u00a0 The lawyers are gone, the courts are played out, the property and kids are separated and one of you is living in the house or it has been sold.\u00a0 You\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Mastering Change"","block_context":{"text":"Mastering Change","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168881"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/homesweethome-194x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":3221,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=3221","url_meta":{"origin":2188,"position":4},"title":"Police Psychology | Not-So Fantastic Four","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"July 13, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Police Psychology | Not-So-Fantastic Four by Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D.\u00a0 ABPP The Human Torch, the Invisible Woman, the Thing and Mr. Fantastic are Marvel's creation of four people with super powers who work together as a team to stop crime.\u00a0 Not one of their powers is complete, but together they\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Police Stress"","block_context":{"text":"Police Stress","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168885"},"img":{"alt_text":"BURSTRESS","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/07\/BURSTRES-300x210.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":121,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=121","url_meta":{"origin":2188,"position":5},"title":"Police Psychology | The Principle of Entropy","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"March 27, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"\u00a0 \u00a0 The Principle of Entropy \u00a0 On the theme that scientific principles and theories have mental health correlates that we should pay attention to, I would like to add another scientific principle that can help us with police psychology called \u201centropy.\u201d Let me put this second law of thermodynamics\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Avoiding Being a Missing Person"","block_context":{"text":"Avoiding Being a Missing Person","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168886"},"img":{"alt_text":"Police psychology: entropy","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/messy-desk-sipress.gif?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/messy-desk-sipress.gif?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/messy-desk-sipress.gif?resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/messy-desk-sipress.gif?resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p60sbO-zi","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2188","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2188"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2188\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2249,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2188\/revisions\/2249"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2188"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2188"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2188"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}} Divorce and the Blame Game<\/span><\/h2>\n
But How?<\/span><\/h2>\n