by Dr. Gary S. Aumiller<\/span><\/p>\n When I was in my late 20\u2019s and just married, I asked a friend of ours (who was really old, a few years short of 40) what was it like to be divorced?\u00a0 So you\u2019ve started the process of getting a divorce.\u00a0 You\u2019ve stopped blaming the other party.\u00a0 You\u2019ve stopped envisioning him in a refrigerator box living on the streets or her in a mental hospital, now you have to do something, right?\u00a0\u00a0 Time to find some loose women and play the field, or find a real man that knows how to take care of a woman, or play on the other team for awhile and gain some new experiences with your own sex, or become more independent and find yourself by jumping out of a plane, or perhaps stay with that new love that got you out of your marriage and will lead you to eternal bliss.\u00a0 Let me know how these work out for you.\u00a0 I\u2019ll be waiting for you to boomerang to the same spot you are in right now.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n You\u2019re not going to like my answer.\u00a0 It\u2019s time for you to live with the pain and get used to it.\u00a0 If you\u2019re the one who\u2019s leaving, don\u2019t run to the arms of someone you think is better for you.\u00a0 If your being left, don\u2019t run to some new adventure to help you forget.\u00a0 Feel the pain.\u00a0 You have to mourn the end of a relationship.\u00a0 You learn early ias a psychologist that the prevalent feeling in this business is \u201cit is better to be miserable than be alone.\u201d\u00a0 That\u2019s why people stay with abusive men or women.\u00a0 They would rather be miserable than be alone. \u00a0\u00a0You\u2019ve got to break that sentiment.\u00a0 You\u2019ve got to get the idea that both being alone and being with someone can be alive and happy, and miserable and desperate.\u00a0 Life is full of perceived opposites that exist together.<\/span><\/p>\n So why would you deny yourself some easy relief for your pain when it is there?\u00a0 The same reason you ate your vegetables when you were a kid, so you can grow big and strong.\u00a0 You will only grow if you feel the loneliness and are not afraid of it. \u00a0You need to realize whatever state you are in can be happy and will be sad.\u00a0 That feeling comes from you, not others, and you need to know this and feel it.\u00a0 Hopefully this will be the first and only time you will go through this, and that chance will be increased if you learn more about yourself and what you are interested in.\u00a0 Don\u2019t make decisions about another person in desperation, and that\u2019s exactly what you are doing if you move to another quickly.\u00a0 Feel the loneliness, don\u2019t fear it and live well.\u00a0 All states in life are fun if you just sit back and enjoy them.<\/span><\/p>\n I went through a divorce early in life, when in my late twenties.\u00a0 It was the worst and the best thing ever happened to me.\u00a0 Imagine being a psychologist and listening to other people\u2019s problems all day while you were having your heart ripped out.\u00a0 I stayed in one room in my house and would retreat there as soon as I got home.\u00a0 What a terrible time in my life for a few months!\u00a0 Then I figured I better do something as TV was not bringing me out of it, so I started writing Keeping It Simple<\/u><\/em><\/strong>. \u00a0And I started speaking other places, at first for free, then money came.\u00a0 Then I started designing my life.\u00a0 Eventually I started dating.\u00a0 The first girl I dated I fell madly in love with.\u00a0 God\u2019s greatest gifts are dreams unfulfilled.\u00a0 Shouldn\u2019t have been with her, didn\u2019t realize it, but it worked out that way in the end.\u00a0 Great girl, great friend, wrong mix.\u00a0 I learned every step of the way, because I was so ignorant and didn\u2019t know anything.\u00a0 I had never been through a divorce before.\u00a0 So I couldn\u2019t be hard on myself for a situation I had never experienced.\u00a0 I gave myself a break and enjoyed life. So, Back off Jerk!\u00a0 Give yourself a break, a break from the mainstream, from the world of dating.\u00a0 Love the stage you are in, and learn to do that might take a little time.\u00a0 I\u2019ve had women and men say they never got as close to their kids until their divorce, then I had men and women say they were never so miserable.\u00a0 Which do you want to be?\u00a0 Find something that develops you, and come out of it a new person.\u00a0 Don\u2019t make the same mistakes you did when you were 18 or 22, the last time you were single.\u00a0 Figure out how to be a better you first, then go after the world.<\/span><\/p>\n And when someone asks me, \u201cwhat\u2019s it like to be divorced?\u201d \u00a0I tell them, it\u2019s just a broken relationship, just like when in high school or college.\u00a0 It\u2019s all part of my memory now.\u00a0 Then I tell them, it was the worst and the best thing ever happened to me.\u00a0 Get used to the loneliness and your divorce will be the \u201cbest and worst\u201d for you also.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Part 3 on divorce is coming.\u00a0 Stay tuned.<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Site Editor:\u00a0 Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D. ABPP<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Please share this article from down below.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Please join the email list on the top of the sidebar and you can get these sent to your email.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Come back regularly for more updated articles on police psychology<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Police Psychology | Police Divorce Part 2: \u00a0Hate to Admit by Dr. Gary S. Aumiller When I was in my late 20\u2019s and just married, I asked a friend of ours (who was really old, a few years short of 40) what was it like to be divorced?\u00a0 Does it feel different?!\u00a0 He had an […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[17168881],"tags":[17168911,17168797,17168831],"class_list":["post-2644","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-change","tag-divorce","tag-police-psychology","tag-police-stress"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":2188,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=2188","url_meta":{"origin":2644,"position":0},"title":"Police Psychology | Police Divorce Part 1: Shutting Down the Blame Game","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"May 10, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Police Psychology | Police Divorce Part 1: Shutting Down the Blame Game by\u00a0 Dr. Gary Aumiller, Ph.D.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 ABPP The real cause of police suicide is divorce or marital problems. Internal affairs investigations are a distant second. I would venture to say when human error comes into play in car chases,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Mastering Change"","block_context":{"text":"Mastering Change","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168881"},"img":{"alt_text":"divorce","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/divorce-164x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":4245,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=4245","url_meta":{"origin":2644,"position":1},"title":"Police Psychology | Divorce in Cops and Corrections","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"October 4, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Police Psychology | Divorce in Cops and Corrections by Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D.\u00a0 ABPP I just spent the past week at the Society for Police and Criminal Psychology meeting.\u00a0 I had been the first executive director of the group and was the president the year before that, so I (with\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Public Information Bureau"","block_context":{"text":"Public Information Bureau","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168888"},"img":{"alt_text":"divorce","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/divorce-164x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":5707,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=5707","url_meta":{"origin":2644,"position":2},"title":"Police Psychology: Divorce Part 3","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"March 30, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Police Psychology:\u00a0 Divorce Part 3 by Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D.\u00a0 ABPP \u00a0 \u201cAt first I was afraid, I was petrified.\u00a0 Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.\u201d So starts the 70\u2019s anthem song about the breakup.\u00a0 Gloria Gaynor in 1978 found silver, gold and platinum, and\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Mastering Change"","block_context":{"text":"Mastering Change","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168881"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/post-divorce-242x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":121,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=121","url_meta":{"origin":2644,"position":3},"title":"Police Psychology | The Principle of Entropy","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"March 27, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"\u00a0 \u00a0 The Principle of Entropy \u00a0 On the theme that scientific principles and theories have mental health correlates that we should pay attention to, I would like to add another scientific principle that can help us with police psychology called \u201centropy.\u201d Let me put this second law of thermodynamics\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Avoiding Being a Missing Person"","block_context":{"text":"Avoiding Being a Missing Person","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168886"},"img":{"alt_text":"Police psychology: entropy","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/messy-desk-sipress.gif?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/messy-desk-sipress.gif?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/messy-desk-sipress.gif?resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/messy-desk-sipress.gif?resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":5834,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=5834","url_meta":{"origin":2644,"position":4},"title":"Police Psychology | Divorce Part 4: Starting a New Life","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"April 27, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Police Psychology | Divorce Part 4: Starting a New Life by Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D.\u00a0 ABPP \u00a0 So, it\u2019s done!\u00a0 The lawyers are gone, the courts are played out, the property and kids are separated and one of you is living in the house or it has been sold.\u00a0 You\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Mastering Change"","block_context":{"text":"Mastering Change","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168881"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/homesweethome-194x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":36,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=36","url_meta":{"origin":2644,"position":5},"title":"Book Review: Personality Assessment in Police Psychology","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"February 6, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"I have to admit, I had no intention of reading this book in one sitting, in fact, I was only really going to read about half of the essays in this collection of essays.\u00a0 I have to admit I was invited to write a chapter in this book but really\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Books"","block_context":{"text":"Books","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168876"},"img":{"alt_text":"Weiss","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/01\/weiss-212x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p60sbO-GE","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2644","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2644"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2644\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2686,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2644\/revisions\/2686"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2644"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2644"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2644"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"police,](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/post-divorce.jpg?resize=183%2C227\")
Does it feel different?!\u00a0 He had an early marriage that didn\u2019t work, and frankly divorce wasn\u2019t in my wheel of experiences then, so I was curious.\u00a0 He said \u201cit was really rough at first, but looking back now it was just a relationship gone bad, like you had in high school or college.\u201d\u00a0 I didn\u2019t buy it.\u00a0 I mean this was a marriage, the sanctity of vows, building a life together, dreams, together goals, and all that jazz.\u00a0 \u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\nBe The Loneliness<\/h2>\n
God\u2019s Greatest Gift<\/h2>\n
\n<\/span><\/p>\nWhat\u2019s It Like<\/h3>\n