\u00a0<\/p>\n
All marriages start, and in some cases, end in court houses. This is because the state of\ufb01cially recognizes marriage as a legal business partnership. The partners in a marriage, just like in any other formal business partnership, share liabilities, assets, and authority in decision making. Partners need to get along with each other in the process of managing day to day operating challenges and in accomplishing their long term goals.<\/span><\/p>\n Even if you could marry your clone, you would still have differences. All partners in a marriage have differences which often create con\ufb02ict. Sometimes couples can eliminate a difference if one person agrees to make a change that resolves the disparity; although the longer you\u2019re together, the less frequently this will probably happen. For the most part you will have a lot more success in changing yourself than changing your partner. The sooner you accept that, the better.<\/span><\/p>\n One of the best strategies for managing differences is to unilaterally develop the willingness and the ability to construct and deliver \u201cwell-formed complaints\u201d as opposed to engaging in criticism and contempt. Since you will have differences, many of which will be perpetual, how you conduct your con\ufb02icts becomes very consequential.<\/span><\/p>\n Well formed complaints are composed of statements describing the emotions you have about (not because of) something your spouse does (\u201cI get mad when you\u2019re late without calling\u201d).\u00a0 You own the emotion \u2013 it\u2019s about (not because of) a behavior done by your partner.<\/span><\/p>\n Criticisms blame your partner for your feelings (\u201cyou pissed me off when you were late again without calling\u201d). This makes you a victim and your spouse a perpetrator (since he or she \u201ccaused\u201d your unpleasant emotion). This can lead to endless \u201cright \/ wrong\u201d arguments in what might be thought of as occurring in an imaginary courtroom. Even if the closing arguments are exceptionally logical and compellingly persuasive, there is actually no judge or jury on site to render a verdict. <\/span><\/p>\n While providing plenty of criticisms will slowly erode your relationship, research by John Gottman, Ph.D. shows that spewing out contempt in the context of a con\ufb02ict has a 95% chance of killing your marriage within \ufb01ve years. Contempt denigrates your spouse\u201ds character (\u201conly an inconsiderate jerk wouldn\u2019t bother to call when he knows he\u2019s going to be late\u201d). So, give your greatest effort to resisting any temptation to engage in name calling, nasty sarcasm (including non-verbal sarcasm like eye rolls), or any other behavior that communicates disrespect or demeans the character of your partner.<\/span><\/p>\n As an alternative to criticism and contempt, decide to learn how to construct and deliver \u201cwell-formed complaints.\u201d The formula is simple: \u201cWhen you [insert an observable behavior], I felt [insert an emotion.]\u201d The punctuation is important. There\u2019s a comma after the [behavior] not an \u201cit made me feel.\u201d There\u2019s a period after the [emotion] that implies an \u201ceffective pause\u201d rather than an immediate request for a change.<\/span><\/p>\n You can change it up by saying \u201cI felt [emotion] when you did or said [behavior].\u201d The emotion is still about, not because of, the behavior. Make a report, not a case \u2014 act like a cop, not a lawyer.<\/span><\/p>\n The caveat: \u201cWell Formed Complaints\u201d are as difficult to construct as a simple algebra problem is to solve. So, your heart rate probably needs to be below 100 beats per minute \u2013 your parasympathetic system should be dominant. If not, the best choice is to take a time out and calm down.<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Site Editor:\u00a0 Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D. ABPP<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Please share this article from down below.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Please join the email list on the top of the sidebar and you can get these sent to your email.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Come back regularly for more updated articles on police psychology<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Police Psychology | Managing Differences in a Healthy Marriage by Doug Gentz, Ph.D. \u2013 Tulsa, Oklahoma \u00a0 All marriages start, and in some cases, end in court houses. This is because the state of\ufb01cially recognizes marriage as a legal business partnership. The partners in a marriage, just like in any other formal business partnership, share […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2728,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[17165629],"tags":[17168926,17168797,17168927],"class_list":["post-2725","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-emotions","tag-marriage","tag-police-psychology","tag-teamwork"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/hands-shaking.jpg?fit=384%2C242","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":2644,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=2644","url_meta":{"origin":2725,"position":0},"title":"Police Psychology | Police Divorce Part 2: Hate to Admit","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"June 1, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Police Psychology | Police Divorce Part 2: \u00a0Hate to Admit by Dr. Gary S. Aumiller When I was in my late 20\u2019s and just married, I asked a friend of ours (who was really old, a few years short of 40) what was it like to be divorced?\u00a0 Does it\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Mastering Change"","block_context":{"text":"Mastering Change","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168881"},"img":{"alt_text":"police, divorce, psychology","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/post-divorce-242x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":961,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=961","url_meta":{"origin":2725,"position":1},"title":"Police Psychology| The Opposite of Chronic \u201cStress?\u201d","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"January 12, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"What\u2019s the Seventh Grade Science Term for the Opposite of Chronic \u201cStress?\u201d (Hint: Two words, a total of nine syllables)\u00a0 by Doug Gentz , Ph.D- Psychological Services Along with intentions to abstain from junk food and resist general slothfulness, most of us try to avoid \u201cstress.\u201d Maybe as long as\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Police Stress"","block_context":{"text":"Police Stress","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168885"},"img":{"alt_text":"Police Psychology","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/01\/Gentz-stress1-300x220.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":6275,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=6275","url_meta":{"origin":2725,"position":2},"title":"Police Psychology: Emotional\/Social Intelligence","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"July 27, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Police Psychology:\u00a0 Emotional\/Social Intelligence New Software Upgrade for Police Officers by William Cottringer, Ph.D. Effective policing involves excellent use of all cognitive skills, especially emotional and social intelligence (E\/SQ) Emotional\/social intelligence can best be defined as involving the following group of skills: 1. Self-awareness. This is the ability to know\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Public Information Bureau"","block_context":{"text":"Public Information Bureau","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168888"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":2188,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=2188","url_meta":{"origin":2725,"position":3},"title":"Police Psychology | Police Divorce Part 1: Shutting Down the Blame Game","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"May 10, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Police Psychology | Police Divorce Part 1: Shutting Down the Blame Game by\u00a0 Dr. Gary Aumiller, Ph.D.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 ABPP The real cause of police suicide is divorce or marital problems. Internal affairs investigations are a distant second. I would venture to say when human error comes into play in car chases,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Mastering Change"","block_context":{"text":"Mastering Change","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168881"},"img":{"alt_text":"divorce","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/divorce-164x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":121,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=121","url_meta":{"origin":2725,"position":4},"title":"Police Psychology | The Principle of Entropy","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"March 27, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"\u00a0 \u00a0 The Principle of Entropy \u00a0 On the theme that scientific principles and theories have mental health correlates that we should pay attention to, I would like to add another scientific principle that can help us with police psychology called \u201centropy.\u201d Let me put this second law of thermodynamics\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Avoiding Being a Missing Person"","block_context":{"text":"Avoiding Being a Missing Person","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168886"},"img":{"alt_text":"Police psychology: entropy","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/messy-desk-sipress.gif?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/messy-desk-sipress.gif?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/messy-desk-sipress.gif?resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/messy-desk-sipress.gif?resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":816,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=816","url_meta":{"origin":2725,"position":5},"title":"Police Psychology | Emotional Labor in the Workplace","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"October 29, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Police Psychology | Emotional Labor in the Workplace \u00a0 Police psychology has to deal very often with an ultimate question: does the person really like being a police officer?\u00a0\u00a0 For the most part the answer is \u201cyes\u2026but\u201d with the \u201cbut\u201d usually being something about a boss. Everyone likes to complain\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Rank and Leadership"","block_context":{"text":"Rank and Leadership","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168887"},"img":{"alt_text":"Police psychology: frustrated girl","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/06\/Frustrated-girl-300x200.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p60sbO-HX","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2725","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2725"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2725\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2991,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2725\/revisions\/2991"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2728"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2725"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2725"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2725"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"hands](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/06\/hands-shaking.jpg?resize=232%2C146\")
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