\u201c\u2026and I in my cap, had just settled our brains for a long winter\u2019s\u2026\u201d fight!\u00a0 Perhaps if Clement Clarke Moore would have written his poem in 2016 instead of 1822, this may have been the line in \u201cTwas the Night Before Christmas.\u201d<\/em>\u00a0 Holidays are a time when many people are happy, and quite a few are miserable or just powering through it.\u00a0 If you have an overly controlling person(s) in the family, you have obnoxiously opinionated people in the family (you should have heard some of the stories after Thanksgiving this year, less than a month after the election), you have someone in the family who has a personality disorder, or you even have kids who missed the discretion and manners line on the way out of heaven, you could be in for a rough holiday.\u00a0 Or if you have a family from Mars and you\u2019re from Sheboygan, watch out, the Grinch lives in each of us and \u201chis heart hasn\u2019t grown 3 sizes that day\u201d yet.\u00a0 Well, Doc, can\u2019t I just keep a positive attitude and get through it?\u00a0 Bring a video camera, I want to see that solely for entertainment purposes. \u00a0Can\u2019t I just avoid everyone this Christmas?\u00a0 Do me a favor and make sure the battery on that camera is charged and please don\u2019t throw it against the wall smashing it into a thousand pieces before I see.<\/span><\/p>\n As in any battle, preparation is key.\u00a0 In the first place, why are people so uptight on the holidays that they fight?\u00a0 There are many explanation for that.\u00a0 One is the increased stress.\u00a0 There is financial stress, stress of wanting it to be a perfect experience, anticipatory stress, and an often-underrated stress of feeling you forgot someone or something stress.\u00a0 That is a biggie.\u00a0 The big part of the stress is it takes you out of your routine like laying cozy in your own living room on your couch, covered in your own blanket.\u00a0 It doesn\u2019t matter that usually you spend very little time in your own living room under your own blanket, the archetype (or imbedded image) is there.\u00a0 Any kind of stress builds up and can affect your overall level of reason.\u00a0 You must recognize your own stress.<\/span><\/p>\n I tend to be more of the I want to kick someone butt because they are obnoxious and a jerk and I wouldn\u2019t choose to be friends or even acquaintances with them if we didn\u2019t share a bloodline.\u00a0 So sharing a holiday with them is just not my cup of tea.\u00a0 But sometimes in life we are dealt a deck of cards and need to play them.\u00a0 So it is time to play.<\/span><\/p>\n Whatever your explanation and it should be a combination of the three, dealing with family at the holidays can be hard.<\/span><\/p>\n Well in the first place, if you are prepared for what could happen, it doesn\u2019t have to be a hard time.\u00a0 Remember your active listening skills from dealing with a PMI or an EDP.\u00a0 You can always reflect what is being said with no emotion attached.\u00a0 \u201cSo you\u2019re really upset that I am being a jerk to you.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cOr you wish I would stop repeating what you\u2019re saying.\u201d\u00a0 When you get yelled at by the host just respond, \u201cso you want me to validate your feelings.\u201d\u00a0 Now look, you won\u2019t calm anyone down at all, and you won\u2019t change anyone\u2019s mind, but you should have given up on that idea long ago.\u00a0 That\u2019s what being prepared means.\u00a0 You\u2019ll have fun pissing them off.<\/span><\/p>\n If you are pressed for an opinion, don\u2019t accept the pressure.\u00a0 \u201cI really don\u2019t have an opinion on this one.\u201d\u00a0 Remember, my old adage \u201cit\u2019s better to get your way than make your point.\u201d\u00a0 People don\u2019t care about your opinion anyway, so don\u2019t give it.<\/span><\/p>\n What if the fight starts and it doesn\u2019t involve you?\u00a0 Escape!\u00a0 Tell your spouse before you get there that you will be leaving if the fight starts and playing with the kids.\u00a0 Ask a nephew or a niece to show you their bounty for the day.\u00a0 Your own kids may not play with you, but nieces and nephew, or even a full stranger kid would love to show their new favorite uncle (or aunt) what toy they have to play with.\u00a0 Get heavily involved in the fantasy and let the fight rage on in the background.\u00a0 If it has nothing to do with you, don\u2019t let it have anything to do with you.\u00a0 Now if someone tries to draw you in, you\u2019ve got a problem.\u00a0 You have to go on and not express an opinion.\u00a0 \u201cWait until after we finish our tea party, or overtaking the mighty temple of doom.\u201d\u00a0 Make it a long battle for supremacy over the raging Stormtroopers that keep coming.\u00a0 \u201cThere must be a million of them.\u201d \u00a0They will lose their interest and argue on.<\/span><\/p>\n You must prepare yourself to deflect or escape the battle over the lasagna and meatballs, or the ham and turkey, or the brisket and latkes.\u00a0 Make it a game, and enjoy your victory.\u00a0 For truly the holidays were made to be together and have fun, and in some families that is what is done.\u00a0 If your family is not one of them, be a kid again, and just play on Christmas or Hanukkah, either with the kids or with the guests.\u00a0 Keep your opinions out of the banter if it is a volatile family.\u00a0 Let them deal with their own narcissism.\u00a0 Remember, some people like to fight.\u00a0 Yes, some people find it enjoyable and engrossing.\u00a0 Let them have their drama and their fun.<\/span><\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/12\/presents.png?resize=258%2C190\")
Many don\u2019t find a serene \u201cnap\u201d on their schedule, in fact many \u201cjust want to get through it.\u201d\u00a0 Get through the holidays is the major sentiment that a psychologist sees in his office from mothers, and fathers, and cops and most people out there.\u00a0 They often don\u2019t let each other know in social relationships, but they sure do say it a lot in to a psychologist, even when we don\u2019t ask.\u00a0 I just want to get through this damn holiday season without \u201cgoing broke,\u201d \u201cwithout ringing someone\u2019s neck,\u201d \u201cwithout getting a divorce,\u201d \u201cwithout killing my kids\u2026\u201d \u201cMaybe I\u2019ll just work Christmas and Christmas Eve.\u201d\u00a0 The joys of the holidays!!<\/span><\/p>\nWhen Preparation\u00a0 Meets Opportunity<\/h2>\n
![\"Police](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/06\/Frustrated-Couple.jpg?resize=242%2C161\")
Another factor goes back to Freud.\u00a0 Freud said that people\u2019s own narcissism sometimes interacts with their \u201cfamiliarity of family\u201d and they see either themselves or the family members as less perfect and want to fight with them about it.\u00a0 In other words, either you or someone else doesn\u2019t meet your standards so you want to confront them on everything they do wrong.\u00a0 As with all of Freud, take that with a grain of salt, but keep it in mind.\u00a0 You and your family are different, so let that happen.<\/span><\/p>\nSo What Does One Do?<\/h2>\n