\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u201cAt first I was afraid, I was petrified.\u00a0 Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n So starts the 70\u2019s anthem song about the breakup.\u00a0 Gloria Gaynor in 1978 found silver, gold and platinum, and became the singer of the only song to ever win a Grammy in the Best Disco Song of the Year category (it was only given one year Why did so many people relate to it?\u00a0 It was a theme of recovery from a bad breakup and the mantra \u201cI Will Survive\u201d rang out for anyone who has had the experience of the severe wrenching pain when love turns into despair.\u00a0 Survival is the most important thing through divorce.\u00a0 Survival through terrible emotional ups and downs, through some severe depression, through grief.\u00a0 What happens when you don\u2019t survive?\u00a0 You become bitter towards others.\u00a0 You check out at work or overemphasize the role of work in your life, and you may not be ready for another relationship in your whole life.\u00a0 Most suicides, especially in police populations, are stimulated by relationship breakups or relationship problems.\u00a0 So, surviving a divorce is very important, in fact it is paramount to your future as a healthy individual.\u00a0 How do you survive and how do you help your friends or a person that works for you survive during this most critical time in their life?\u00a0 Let me give just a couple of principles of survival during divorce.<\/span><\/p>\n Relationships that end in divorce are seen by the parties as a monumental failures.\u00a0 Two people make a pact and should stay together forever and live happily ever after. \u00a0Frankly that doesn\u2019t happen very frequently.\u00a0 It does happen sometimes, but people have a tendency to change from the starry-eyed person in love when kids come along or just through the fact of growing older.\u00a0 In fact, just the process of having kids changes women physically, as their bodies prepare them to be mothers.\u00a0 Men don\u2019t have that metamorphosis and that often becomes an issue in relationships as sometimes the lifestyle doesn\u2019t make the changes needed to prepare for another human in the home.\u00a0 Sometimes men make the changes but women don\u2019t.\u00a0 \u00a0You tend to draw a little into your own needs when there is a lot of stress in your life and then it becomes that no one cares about your needs.\u00a0 \u00a0All this is part of the failure that surrounds divorce.\u00a0 You are afraid you will be seen as a failure to co-workers, to friends and sometimes afraid to lose respect in your own family or lose your spouse\u2019s family.\u00a0 The failure factor is the reason many people stay \u201cmarried and miserable.\u201d\u00a0 Seeing a divorce as a failure needs to be taken down in your big board of thoughts.\u00a0 Sometimes the mix just doesn\u2019t last, or there were too much changes, or there was too big of an interaction effect<\/a> (read the third to last paragraph).\u00a0 You weren\u2019t aware of the changes when you started the whole thing.\u00a0 You weren\u2019t aware of the interaction effect<\/a>. \u00a0\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n Too often the spouse wants to blame the other person for the whole failure of the relationship.\u00a0 I spoke about that in the Blame Game<\/a> article.\u00a0 But what I didn\u2019t speak about is the fact that many people get serious side effects of blaming and they lose all sense of self.\u00a0 They accept the blame and have a terrible view of themselves because they screwed up and they alone destroyed the relationship.\u00a0 Not quite that way.\u00a0 You lose your trust in your own moral character, your trust in your making decisions and even your trust in your problem-solving ability.\u00a0 You see yourself as a hunk of turtle dung and stop functioning with any self-esteem at all.\u00a0 The best thing to do is remind yourself or your friend of the good you\u2019ve (they\u2019ve) done in the world.\u00a0 Have they been a good father or mother?\u00a0 Have they been a good employee?\u00a0 What have they accomplished?\u00a0 You need to give them a constant reminder that the divorce is regarding the relationship and not in other parts of their life.\u00a0 Build up their self-esteem, remind yourself or the other person what good has been done in the world because of their (your) work.<\/span><\/p>\n If I was to say there are only three factors, I would be being ridiculous, but a third major step is to make sure you or the other person knows how to go into survival.\u00a0 In survival, you conserve resources, reduce behavior, reduce stress, go back to base levels in meeting wants while continuing to meet your basic needs.\u00a0 Conserving resources means saving rather than spending, more than just money.\u00a0 Holding back for doing things that take up a lot of your daily allowance, either financially or energy-wise is a good solid way to survive longer.\u00a0 I mean, if you are in a box with limited oxygen do you continue to breathing every few seconds or do you reduce your breathing?\u00a0 Same principle, stop expending resources so you have some left for whatever is down the road.\u00a0 You cut back on your behavior when you slow up on the dating scene, the wild and crazy actions, even the events that you might have gone on otherwise.\u00a0 How many times have you seen someone who gets divorced and two years later they are in exactly the same situation with another person very much like their first spouse.\u00a0 You need to sit back and look at what is going on, and that means cut the noise of your own behavior.\u00a0 This will also reduce the stress in your life.\u00a0 Let\u2019s face it, there is no good and bad stress, there is just stress.\u00a0 Reducing stress generally means cutting back on something.\u00a0 Cut back to a survival level so you are not in a state of having to figure out what is going to happen next.\u00a0 \u00a0Finally, you must distinguish between needs and wants.\u00a0 Needs have to be met, wants are things you desire but don\u2019t need to be met right now.\u00a0 There is always another person to come along that will thrill you when the time is right.\u00a0 In survival, you meet your needs and delay your wants, and that will help to clear your mind.<\/span><\/p>\n There is always a little pain in life and particularly in divorce.\u00a0 But if you stop believing it is a sign of a monumental failure, stop beating yourself up over it, and cut back on what is unnecessary, you\u2019ll be on the right track to a fix.\u00a0 If you accept that people change, keep repeating the good things you have done in the world, and stay in survival mode awhile rather than meet your wants right at that moment, you will have a greater chance for a long-term recovery.\u00a0 As most people say, divorce was the worst thing that ever happened to them and frequently the best things that ever happened to them. \u00a0It can be a freeing event in your life if you both have the right attitude about it.\u00a0 Enjoy the freedom, but be careful not to fall into the traps in this article. \u00a0And remember the last words of the chorus of the song\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ve got all my life to live, And I\u2019ve got all my love to give and I\u2019ll survive, I will survive.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Site Administrator:\u00a0 Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D. ABPP<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Please share this article from down below.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Please join the email list on the top of the sidebar and you can get these sent to your email.\u00a0 Also follow me on Twitter (https:\/\/twitter.com\/ThinBlueMind<\/a>) for other articles and ideas, and YouTube at\u00a0https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/channel\/UCfjNw0510ipr3bX587IvAHg<\/a> .<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n<\/body>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Police Psychology:\u00a0 Divorce Part 3 by Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D.\u00a0 ABPP \u00a0 \u201cAt first I was afraid, I was petrified.\u00a0 Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side.\u201d So starts the 70\u2019s anthem song about the breakup.\u00a0 Gloria Gaynor in 1978 found silver, gold and platinum, and became the singer of the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[17168881],"tags":[17168911,17168868,17168831],"class_list":["post-5707","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-change","tag-divorce","tag-police-pscyhology","tag-police-stress"],"aioseo_notices":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":4245,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=4245","url_meta":{"origin":5707,"position":0},"title":"Police Psychology | Divorce in Cops and Corrections","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"October 4, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Police Psychology | Divorce in Cops and Corrections by Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D.\u00a0 ABPP I just spent the past week at the Society for Police and Criminal Psychology meeting.\u00a0 I had been the first executive director of the group and was the president the year before that, so I (with\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Public Information Bureau"","block_context":{"text":"Public Information Bureau","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168888"},"img":{"alt_text":"divorce","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/divorce-164x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":2188,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=2188","url_meta":{"origin":5707,"position":1},"title":"Police Psychology | Police Divorce Part 1: Shutting Down the Blame Game","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"May 10, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Police Psychology | Police Divorce Part 1: Shutting Down the Blame Game by\u00a0 Dr. Gary Aumiller, Ph.D.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 ABPP The real cause of police suicide is divorce or marital problems. Internal affairs investigations are a distant second. I would venture to say when human error comes into play in car chases,\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Mastering Change"","block_context":{"text":"Mastering Change","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168881"},"img":{"alt_text":"divorce","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/divorce-164x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":2644,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=2644","url_meta":{"origin":5707,"position":2},"title":"Police Psychology | Police Divorce Part 2: Hate to Admit","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"June 1, 2016","format":false,"excerpt":"Police Psychology | Police Divorce Part 2: \u00a0Hate to Admit by Dr. Gary S. Aumiller When I was in my late 20\u2019s and just married, I asked a friend of ours (who was really old, a few years short of 40) what was it like to be divorced?\u00a0 Does it\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Mastering Change"","block_context":{"text":"Mastering Change","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168881"},"img":{"alt_text":"police, divorce, psychology","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/post-divorce-242x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":471,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=471","url_meta":{"origin":5707,"position":3},"title":"Police Psychology | Can’t Take My Mind Off of You","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"July 18, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Police Psychology | Can't Take My Mind Off of You \u00a0 Police psychology deals with a lot of obsession. Police stress can also be the result of obsession. I am big on obsession (can't you tell?). I see obsession everywhere (anger, depression, love, hate, writing a blog). In fact, you\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Mastering Thoughts"","block_context":{"text":"Mastering Thoughts","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168878"},"img":{"alt_text":"man thinking in different directions","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/06\/man-thinking-in-different-directions-300x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":5834,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=5834","url_meta":{"origin":5707,"position":4},"title":"Police Psychology | Divorce Part 4: Starting a New Life","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"April 27, 2017","format":false,"excerpt":"Police Psychology | Divorce Part 4: Starting a New Life by Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D.\u00a0 ABPP \u00a0 So, it\u2019s done!\u00a0 The lawyers are gone, the courts are played out, the property and kids are separated and one of you is living in the house or it has been sold.\u00a0 You\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Mastering Change"","block_context":{"text":"Mastering Change","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168881"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/04\/homesweethome-194x300.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":121,"url":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?p=121","url_meta":{"origin":5707,"position":5},"title":"Police Psychology | The Principle of Entropy","author":"Gary Aumiller","date":"March 27, 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"\u00a0 \u00a0 The Principle of Entropy \u00a0 On the theme that scientific principles and theories have mental health correlates that we should pay attention to, I would like to add another scientific principle that can help us with police psychology called \u201centropy.\u201d Let me put this second law of thermodynamics\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "Avoiding Being a Missing Person"","block_context":{"text":"Avoiding Being a Missing Person","link":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/?cat=17168886"},"img":{"alt_text":"Police psychology: entropy","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/messy-desk-sipress.gif?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/messy-desk-sipress.gif?resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/messy-desk-sipress.gif?resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/messy-desk-sipress.gif?resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p60sbO-1u3","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5707","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=5707"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5707\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":5752,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5707\/revisions\/5752"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=5707"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=5707"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/policepsychologyblog.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=5707"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/policepsychologyblog.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2016\/05\/post-divorce.jpg?resize=242%2C300\")
before disco died in the charts).\u00a0 It spoke to every woman \u201cthinking how he did me wrong\u201d and she \u201cgrew strong\u201d and learned she had to survive.\u00a0 It was excitement, passion, and most of all, something a large part of the record buying population could relate to.\u00a0 And it was for men too.\u00a0 Not too shabby for the \u201cB\u201d side of a small record by a Newark \u201cNew Joisy\u201d girl.<\/span><\/p>\n