Archive for the ‘Mastering Emotions’ Category

Police Psychology | Can’t Stop Now

Posted: January 28, 2016 in Mastering Emotions
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Police Psychology | I Can’t Stop Now!

 

Police psychology has to deal with numbers of issues, but one that we often misdiagnose follows.

“Hey! HEY !!! What the hell are you doing?”

“I’M CLEANING OUT YOUR DRIVEWAY. What’s it look like?”

“Tim, there is a 50-70 mile an hour wind. The snow is still coming down, like hard you know. It is a blizzard, no it is a snow hurricane. It’s not safe.”police psychology, snow scene We duck as the wind carries a five foot wide unidentifiable piece of hard black plastic over our heads.

“Don’t worry. The snow blower is heavy so I won’t take off and be flying around.”

“What?! Get inside Tim. I’ll handle this tomorrow when the winds are done.”

“Nah, I got to get our driveways done before the playoff games at 3. You don’t need to stay.”

Of course I am going to stay and shovel. I can’t let the guy do my driveway all by himself, but I HATED IT! Blizzards are not fun with the wind-blown snow is acting like tiny shards of ice attacking your face. And of course the next day it is drifted as if we never touched it. Lord, transport me to a condo on the beach please!

Ever wonder what motivates some people to do this kind of thing, to persist beyond what is necessary, to not see the whole picture and the possibly cause damage by their actions? (more…)

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Police Psychology | Locked Away in Your Cell

Posted: August 5, 2015 in Mastering Emotions, Police Stress
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Police Psychology | Locked Away in Your Cell

Police Psychology cell phone 1

The introduction of the cell phone has created many new issues for those in police psychology.

Police psychology has had a new enemy these days, and it’s not typical ol’ police stress. The Cell Phone. You ever hold your cell phone up at a concert to demand an encore? That means you are cool! Scan a document into you cell phone. That’s really cool! Bluetooth music from cell phone to your car radio. You’re cool. How about take a picture using your cell phone? Too ordinary, not so cool. Play a video game using your cell phone? You’re just normal. Who doesn’t do that? Research has shown that the average age for a child to get a cell phone is six years old. Yes, 53% got it by six year old. That’s crazy! When I was in high school, I didn’t have a cell phone. Of course, they didn’t even exist. Yet, today you’d be hard-pressed to find a middle-school student today who is not obsessed with his or her phone. It’s the Swiss army knife of the 21st century. Yech!

Prisoner to Your Cell

Cell phones have changed policing and many other jobs in society. For instance, with the aid of a cell phone, you can always be contacted. Your boss and your work are never more than a phone call or text message away. There is no such thing as getting away from it. Many people even use their cell phone to keep up-to-date with work information even when they are taking a personal day, or when they are on vacation. In police work specifically, cell phones have also changed the job in other ways. Traffic accidents are now reported or even recorded live through cell phone use. Apps such as Waze allow people to report where police officers are located so people can slow up and avoid tickets. Perhaps most chillingly is the idea that your family can constantly contact you, even when you are in the middle of a high-stress situation. I have had two cops report to me that their spouses called them in the middle of a shoot out. Even in American Sniper, the main character was talking to his wife in the middle of a battle. That does happen in real life. That’s one way to keep your head out of a game that is literally life or death, and it’s an issue that crops up pretty frequently in police psychology, as it is one of the leading causes of police stress. Cell phones also increase a sense of urgency in people. This messes up the time management matrix that is so important for keeping your life organized and prioritized properly. When everything, however small and inconvenient, suddenly becomes much more urgent, you are forced to push the real substance of life into the backseat.

Police Psychology Cell Phone

As someone involved in police psychology, I’ve noticed people are so wrapped up in their cell phones, that they don’t pay enough attention to the important things anymore.

 Another area that cell phones have changed our lives is during meals. You can be at a family meal in which everyone is silently staring at their personal devices, or on a date where the person pays more attention to their phone screen than they do to you. Talk about the grass being greener, people are on the phone on a date! Cell phones have severely impacted the extent to which we can communicate in person with each other. If you have not experienced a meal like this, go to a restaurant and take a good look around. Guaranteed many of the patrons there will be on their phones, or will have their phones right there next to their plates in case a text message or notification comes up that requires their immediate attention. I mean, it really is too much to ask your best friend to pick out an outfit all on her own. It’s obviously time-sensitive information for you to know the latest celebrity gossip the second it is posted online.

The Cell Phone Addiction

“Addicted”—it’s a strange word. It means you are so dependent upon something that to give it up would cause unpleasant effects on your mental or physical well being. It is sad to think that today we are so dependent upon technology, and specifically our phones, that many of us experience a moment of panic if we can’t find our cellular devices. In fact, many people today are choosing to forgo a house phone in favor of just using their cell phones. Unfortunately, this change isn’t all good. Just like people ignored the cigarette research 50 years ago, we are ignoring that talking on a cell phone, even hands free causes many car accidents, especially in the young. Twenty-seven percent of accidents are directly related to the cell phone, at least as of three years ago. The current statistics are sure to be higher. I watch as many of my clients and friends struggle to communicate in person. Talking to people face-to-face makes them uncomfortable. I know, as someone involved in police psychology, I talk to people for a living, but everyone (no matter how uncomfortable it makes you) still needs to develop and nurture basic communication skills in order to survive in this world. In addition, I see many of them struggle with separation. Having a cell phone makes people feel connected, and giving that up, even for a split second, is so horrifying to many people that it drains them emotionally and mentally. Kids throw tantrums when their cell phone or tablets are taken away. When you find undue emotional reaction to being without a cell phone, you are definitely in trouble and should consider weaning yourself off a little. Just like any addiction, you cannot be expected to quit cold turkey. You need to leave your cell phone alone in steps—baby steps. Start off small and build up slowly from there. Here are some tips to help wean you off of technology. If a slow process doesn’t work, there are even cell phone addiction rehabilitation program like the one at reStart in Washington State.

Police psychology: simple steps3 Steps to Change Your Cell Phone Habits

  1.  Stay in the Moment. It is alright to use your cell phone to check messages or see what is going on when waiting in line at a post office or at the grocery store, but when you are face-to-face with another person, shut it down. Make sure you connect more with people, not a cell phone. On your deathbed you are not going to want to be comforted by a piece of technology. Let people know you are into what they are saying to you and who they are.       It will make a big difference in your life.
  2.  Start the Weaning. If you are texting ten hours a day, go to nine.       Five hours a day go to four.       Find a way to cut back a little and you will gain control over your cell phone use. Weaning off of a device which has become so vital in our society is difficult, but you can do it. Start the process.
  3.  Turn it off at times. This is a hard one, but when you are on vacation, or home really sick for a day, or you are on a date, turn the damn thing off! Whatever is there will be there most likely in an hour or two. Practice times where the off switch just turns it off.       Cell phones are high maintenance and high stress. Turn it off and deal with whatever is going on whether it is a trip to the lake or a clogged throat. If you need to cut out some stress at a time in your life, shut the phone off.

 

Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D. ABPP

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Police Psychology | The Police Psychologist and the BFD

Posted: July 15, 2015 in Mastering Emotions
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The Police Psychologist and the BFD

 

cloud and lightening

Everyone has those little things that tick them off and trigger a bad mood.

Those in police psychology must learn about the BFD. The cops used to use that acronym regularly.  Bad F—ing Day.  I am not sure what the “F” means in the acronym, but I don’t think it is too nice. (Let’s not have a bunch of you writing in to tell me). Everyone has bad days. Some bad days are considerably worse than others and you can pinpoint exactly what happened that made you feel this way. Some days may just feel strange or off, but you’re not necessarily sure why. Perhaps you had a bad dream that is just too far down in your subconscious that you cannot remember it; or maybe you slept in a strange position that made your back or neck cramp. Maybe you got into an argument before bed and even though you made up, you’re still upset about it. Or it could be as simple as you’re too hot, or too cold, or too hungry, or there’s a bad smell in your house that you can’t really identify. The possibilities are endless—unfortunately. And the BFD can cause a lot of undue police stress. 

Getting Worse

error on computer

In police psychology, we often find ourselves dealing with individuals who are constantly in a bad mood.

Or, if you make it through the morning wake-up feeling good, random events can turn a good day into a bad day. You’ll say the gods are conspiring against you, or you are the proverbial cat to kick because the boss is frustrated about something.  Like mosquitoes after a sudden downpour on a sunny day, they can strike silently and unexpectedly.  No one is safe, whether you’re a student, a businessman, a parent, or working in police psychology. We all know that feeling of dread in the pit of your stomach. But we all need to face the world at some point regardless of what it brings to us, and if we face the world with a negative attitude, with the bad mood that accompanies us throughout the day, we will have a much harder time working efficiently. This bad mood may not just affect our work performance; if we are rude and grumpy throughout the day, you can bet your co-workers, clients, friends, and even family will want very little to do with you.

 The main problem with waking up in a bad mood is it tends to follow you throughout the day, like an obnoxious gnat swarming around your head, or a shadow that refuses to get lost.  And, if waking up in a bad mood has an impact on the rest of our day, then the trick is to shake off those negative feelings as soon as possible.  In other words, the best thing to do when you wake up in a bad mood is to change your mood.  I know, I know…that’s easier said then done.  When you feel like there’s a black cloud floating on top of you, it can seem very difficult, maybe even impossible, to snap your fingers and make the sun shine.

 Elevator Story

I remember a story told to us in graduate school as a lead in for rational emotive therapy. It starts in an elevator that goes up 30 flights. You rush to get the elevator and are the last person in. You are crammed in, face on the opening, and can’t turn or see in any direction.   The elevator is broken and it “dings” at each floor but the doors do not open. You can’t reach the buttons to get out. You are stuck. The elevator goes up to the second floor, and you hear the ding. Then you get about a two inch round, cylindrical object hit you right in middle of the back.  You don’t think anything of it.  Next floor get the ding, a round object clips you right in the middle of the back.  You squirm to get out.  Same thing happens for ten floors.  You are angry.  You reach for the controls but can’t get to them.  You yell but the music and the crowd negates your sound. Eleventh floor same ding, same poke in the back.  Twelfth floor – ding, poke.  By twenty five floors you are fuming.  You can’t wait to get out and rip someone’s head off. You got a black and blue mark expanding from the one inch to the entire back.  You are raging.  Finally the moment comes. Thirtieth floor. The door open, you have a combination of rage and happiness cause you are getting to fulfill your destiny.  People start piling out of the elevator. You have your attack planned.  Then you see a little old blind lady in the back of the elevator trying to search for the door being open with her cane.  She almost falls forward as she reaches.  She creeps forward.  Are you still enraged?  Her cane falls between the gap of the elevator and the floor.  Are you still wanting to beat her up or has your emotion changed instantaneously?

 We need to implement our own techniques and strategies to banish the bad mood, and they can happen in an instant.  Bad moods can disappear as quickly and as unsuspecting as they appear with just a little cognitive work.  And it’s a good thing I’m here to tell you about some of the tricks I use in police psychology. Try the techniques below to help banish your bad mood.

Police psychology: simple steps3 Steps for Banishing the Bad Mood

  1. Beat Yourself Up with Positive. Bombard yourself with positive information. Read Norman Vincent Peale, or Dale Carnegie, or Gary Aumiller (ohhh, that’s me). Focus all your attention and energy on the positive information into your system.   YouTube is great for that.  Get yourself positive. Throw compliments around like confetti at a ticker tape parade. Reduce the negative in everyday things.  Brushing your teeth isn’t so bad, eating breakfast isn’t so bad, working on this article for your boss or teacher isn’t so bad.  Look at every moment as a self-contained event or activity, and focus all your effort on making yourself smile. When talking to someone, make extra eye contact with them, devote your full attention to what they are saying, and compliment them.  When walking down the street, enjoy the breeze outside, the sunshine on your face.  Don’t let yourself get distracted by past events.
  2. Find Something that Brings Good Memories. Everyone has some smells that transport him or her back to a certain moment in time, like freshly baked cookies at your grandmother’s house, or a perfume that you wore on a really fun date.  Use those scents to bring up good memories. Listen to a song that makes you happy, treat yourself to a snack or lunch that you know you enjoy, focus on the simple things that make you happy.  If you find these simple things that bring up good memories for you to savor, there won’t be any room in your mind for the bad thoughts to intrude.
  3. Plan Something in the Future. If you’re in a bad mood or experiencing a lot of stress (police stress or otherwise), one way to get out of that slump is to plan something exciting to do in the future. Plan a trip, a date, an adventure, or even a walk to your favorite spot, and hold onto that excitement and expectation throughout the day. If you do something spontaneous you enjoy it for the amount of time you did it, if you plan it in the future you enjoy it for the planning, the waiting, and the event. This goal-oriented attitude, can do wonders to banishing your bad mood.

 

Using these steps, you can begin to change the bad mood you woke up with into a good mood. A BFD into a GFD. This will help you perform better and more efficiently at work or school, help you have a much better day, and help you smile.

Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D. ABPP

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Police Psychology | Emotional Pinball

Posted: May 14, 2015 in Mastering Emotions
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Toxic Games

pinball

While the game pinball may be fun, emotional pinball can seriously impact your self-esteem.

From police psychology to basic chemistry:  If we wanted to make a very good cleaner, we would mix two decent cleaners and the combination would make something great. Doesn’t take a genius to understand, does it? So go home and mix ammonia and bleach and see what you get (actually don’t ever do this). You end up getting a chlorine gas that can cause you to lose consciousness, literally burn your insides out, or possibly just kill you. In fact, it was actually used in WWII for chemical warfare. This is called an interaction effect –the combination of two things take the shape of a separate event all to itself. And by the way, chlorine gas doesn’t feel good.

 

The Pinball  Effect

Now take two wonderful people, and mix them together and you will get a wonderful couple, right? Or take a job and a highly qualified person and magic happens. Well, not always. Sometimes you get a chemical warfare agent. A sort of mustard gas. And that doesn’t mean someone is undeserving or stupid. It doesn’t mean that someone is inadequate, it doesn’t mean that someone is bad, or wrong, or… (insert any negative word that you’ve ever told yourself). It means simply you are not right in that situation. Yet, we will work to blame someone, or point to some inadequacies in the other person, or do something that makes someone else or ourselves feel awful. This is human nature. When someone is particularly attuned to other people’s opinion, I call it “emotional pinball.” Just bouncing around from bumper to bumper lighting people up. Don’t pinball off others. Everyone’s definition of excellence will be different, and to some, your performance may be amazing, and to others it may fall short. But none of that should matter as long as you do your best, as long as you put in your effort.

 

How to deal with criticism and praise without the Pinball Effect

mental ward

Don’t let other people’s judgement change the way you see yourself.

There’s a stress management tip I use in my speeches and in therapy that I want to share with you. Close your eyes and picture in your mind sitting in class. Your teacher goes up to the front of the class and announces, “Wow, everyone’s paper was fantastic—oh, except for you (insert your name here). That was the worst paper I’ve ever read.” On a scale of –10 to +10, with “0” being neutral, how did your opinion of yourself change after hearing your teacher say that about you? Or after hearing your boss say your work was the worst he’s seen. Now, how about a different scenario: “These papers were the worst I’ve ever seen—except for (insert your name again—wow, I should have told you to bring a pen). That was the best paper I’ve ever read.” On that same scale, rate your change in opinion of yourself after this statement. What about walking down the street and hearing people catcall at you? (That often gets an age and gender dependent reaction). Or, having a stranger call you a jerk? (New Yorkers need not answer this) The point is your answer should be “0” for all of these. Your opinion of yourself should not change, positively or negatively, just because someone else has judged you or your work. You need to make an evaluation of your own effort, instead of “pinballing” off the evaluations of others. Feel good about your effort, or set yourself to work harder next time. Don’t pinball!

Self esteem was a construct created in the 1890’s which started as a simple evaluation of the goals and achievement. If you achieved goals you had a good self-esteem, if you didn’t you would have a negative self-esteem. William James gave it a name and others kept it alive. It is rotten meat. It is a dated computer. It is an old dusty moth-eaten hat in the attic. Time to throw it away. Escape the dungeon of self-esteem.

 

Social Media: The problem and the solution

This is especially significant with the advent of the internet and media. So often do we see people post pictures, videos, or statuses on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube and they get so many negative comments. Don’t get bummed out by them; don’t let your opinion of yourself change just because someone else judged you and found you wanting. Don’t tear down the picture or the video, or cry in your room, or blame the world for being against you. Ignore the gossip and harsh criticisms of other people. Sometimes you can be the best one out there, but if you’re not right for the part, you won’t be the right person. Accept that you can’t be everyone’s hero. And that can’t change how you feel about yourself, can’t change the voices in your head to negativistic, because as long as you know you’ve given it your all, that is all the judgment you need.

So let’s vanquish the concept of self-esteem and say simply, I did the best I can or I have to work harder next time or focus more next time. Let’s not worry about ourselves all the time. And mostly, let’s stop pinballing off of others’ opinions, and see our efforts as the most important goal of all.

Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D. ABPP

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Police Psychology | The Myth of Emotional Opposites

Posted: April 2, 2015 in Mastering Emotions
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The Myth of Emotional Opposites

 

Arrow

People tend to see emotions in terms of their opposites…but does this mindset negatively effect your mental health?

In therapy, while working in police psychology, I have learned that very negative people tend to suffer from “Shit City Syndrome,” meaning that their cynicism and view of life cause them to see all the bad parts of a situation.  Then they complain that they aren’t enjoying life.  Realize that your evaluations of the world cause you to create your world while you are evaluating it.  Essentially, if you see yourself in “shit city” you will live in “shit city” and lead a miserable existence.  It is sort of a turn on the self-fulfilling prophecy which is basically the evaluation of the self creates the self as you interact with the world.

To overcome this syndrome I use the Myth of Emotional Opposites.  I use this in my speeches, as well as, in my therapy.

I first ask the person what is the opposite of “pain,” and invariably get the word “pleasure.”  I ask then the opposite of “love,” and get the answer “hate.”  Finally, I ask for the opposite of “happy,” and get “sad” as the answer.  This is the setup, as I have gotten the same answers in a room full of mental health professionals, just like I’ve gotten the answer in a room full of everyday people.

I then have the person visualize that they have a compound fracture of the leg.  They fell over the doorway and broke their leg badly.  The bone is sticking out.  I ask them if they are in pain and they invariably reply yes.  Then, I tell them at the same time as they are writhing in pain waiting for the ambulance to come, their friend comes over and says, “remember last week when we were at that seminar with the fat guy (me) and we bought a lottery ticket.  Well, I just found out we won 134 million dollars.”  I then ask “Now, are you still in pain?”

I get stumbling when I ask this second question.  They can’t make sense of it.  Pain and pleasure are opposites; they can’t exist together.  Are you in pain or pleasure?  On the continuum line, pain and pleasure are on the opposite ends, so which is it?  You’re definitely in pain; you have a compound fracture.  And, if you are not in pleasure after winning 67 million dollars you’re a little weird.  I mean, you can’t be in love and hate someone at the same time, or can you?  You can’t be happy and sad at the same time, can you?

The Myth Revealed

Then I make my point, pain and pleasure are not opposites.  The opposite of an emotion or a feeling is not another emotion; it is the lack of an emotion.  The opposite of pain is no feeling.  The opposite of pleasure is no feeling.  The opposite of love is indifference; the opposite of hate is no feeling.  And this simple concept can lift you out of Shit City.

You see, the natural tendency for people is if there is a negative feeling, they don’t allow positive feelings to exist, or they reduce the positive feeling so much it has no value.  Emotional Shit City!  But our life has many different facets and we can be unhappy about say the relationship in our life and be happy about the amount of money we earn.  Or we can be sad for a loss in our life, but still enjoy the joys of an errant rose or a nice email card.  Our need is to focus on the parts of life that are going well, and allow time and other healing methods to happen in the bad areas.

Remove Stress with this Powerful Technique

Opposites

Find the good things in your life, and focus on them, instead of letting the bad overwhelm you.

Now it may sound a long way to go to teach a concept most people know that is common sense.  But remember, people don’t live with common sense.  In fact, common sense is not common at all.  They lose commons sense in emotion.  This technique has had a profound impact on people going through a grief process, people having problems with a teenager, people who have lost a love in their life, or even people after a critical incident.  It lessens the load and gives them permission to have some fun without feeling guilty because they have one bad thing in their life.  It is a powerful technique and can stop a person from feeling overwhelmed and consumed with something that happened to them. Implementing such a technique can help put the happiness and simplicity back in your life. 

Good luck with it if you choose to try it.

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Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D. ABPP

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