Posts Tagged ‘stress management’

Police Psychology | Emotional Pinball

Posted: May 14, 2015 in Mastering Emotions
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Toxic Games

pinball

While the game pinball may be fun, emotional pinball can seriously impact your self-esteem.

From police psychology to basic chemistry:  If we wanted to make a very good cleaner, we would mix two decent cleaners and the combination would make something great. Doesn’t take a genius to understand, does it? So go home and mix ammonia and bleach and see what you get (actually don’t ever do this). You end up getting a chlorine gas that can cause you to lose consciousness, literally burn your insides out, or possibly just kill you. In fact, it was actually used in WWII for chemical warfare. This is called an interaction effect –the combination of two things take the shape of a separate event all to itself. And by the way, chlorine gas doesn’t feel good.

 

The Pinball  Effect

Now take two wonderful people, and mix them together and you will get a wonderful couple, right? Or take a job and a highly qualified person and magic happens. Well, not always. Sometimes you get a chemical warfare agent. A sort of mustard gas. And that doesn’t mean someone is undeserving or stupid. It doesn’t mean that someone is inadequate, it doesn’t mean that someone is bad, or wrong, or… (insert any negative word that you’ve ever told yourself). It means simply you are not right in that situation. Yet, we will work to blame someone, or point to some inadequacies in the other person, or do something that makes someone else or ourselves feel awful. This is human nature. When someone is particularly attuned to other people’s opinion, I call it “emotional pinball.” Just bouncing around from bumper to bumper lighting people up. Don’t pinball off others. Everyone’s definition of excellence will be different, and to some, your performance may be amazing, and to others it may fall short. But none of that should matter as long as you do your best, as long as you put in your effort.

 

How to deal with criticism and praise without the Pinball Effect

mental ward

Don’t let other people’s judgement change the way you see yourself.

There’s a stress management tip I use in my speeches and in therapy that I want to share with you. Close your eyes and picture in your mind sitting in class. Your teacher goes up to the front of the class and announces, “Wow, everyone’s paper was fantastic—oh, except for you (insert your name here). That was the worst paper I’ve ever read.” On a scale of –10 to +10, with “0” being neutral, how did your opinion of yourself change after hearing your teacher say that about you? Or after hearing your boss say your work was the worst he’s seen. Now, how about a different scenario: “These papers were the worst I’ve ever seen—except for (insert your name again—wow, I should have told you to bring a pen). That was the best paper I’ve ever read.” On that same scale, rate your change in opinion of yourself after this statement. What about walking down the street and hearing people catcall at you? (That often gets an age and gender dependent reaction). Or, having a stranger call you a jerk? (New Yorkers need not answer this) The point is your answer should be “0” for all of these. Your opinion of yourself should not change, positively or negatively, just because someone else has judged you or your work. You need to make an evaluation of your own effort, instead of “pinballing” off the evaluations of others. Feel good about your effort, or set yourself to work harder next time. Don’t pinball!

Self esteem was a construct created in the 1890’s which started as a simple evaluation of the goals and achievement. If you achieved goals you had a good self-esteem, if you didn’t you would have a negative self-esteem. William James gave it a name and others kept it alive. It is rotten meat. It is a dated computer. It is an old dusty moth-eaten hat in the attic. Time to throw it away. Escape the dungeon of self-esteem.

 

Social Media: The problem and the solution

This is especially significant with the advent of the internet and media. So often do we see people post pictures, videos, or statuses on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube and they get so many negative comments. Don’t get bummed out by them; don’t let your opinion of yourself change just because someone else judged you and found you wanting. Don’t tear down the picture or the video, or cry in your room, or blame the world for being against you. Ignore the gossip and harsh criticisms of other people. Sometimes you can be the best one out there, but if you’re not right for the part, you won’t be the right person. Accept that you can’t be everyone’s hero. And that can’t change how you feel about yourself, can’t change the voices in your head to negativistic, because as long as you know you’ve given it your all, that is all the judgment you need.

So let’s vanquish the concept of self-esteem and say simply, I did the best I can or I have to work harder next time or focus more next time. Let’s not worry about ourselves all the time. And mostly, let’s stop pinballing off of others’ opinions, and see our efforts as the most important goal of all.

Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D. ABPP

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Police Psychology | Rumors, Gossip, and Urban Legends

Posted: May 6, 2015 in Rank and Leadership
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Rumors, Gossip, and Urban Legends

 

Gossip

Rumors, gossip, and urban legends are all motivated by different things, and lead to various repercussions.

Every profession in the world deals with rumors and gossip, and police psychology is no different. Much like how animals tend to migrate toward large water sources, where they can find safety in like animal-friends, people tend to drift toward the water cooler to hang out with individuals of the same corporate “species.” Yet, just as with animals, the water source can also be a dangerous place where predators lie in wait of innocent prey to wander by. The water cooler at any organization usually has its share of predators.

Predators at the Water Cooler causing Stress

Who—or what—are the predators you may encounter? Rumors, gossip, and urban legends: the downfall of many individuals and organizations. These things can ruin a person just as easily as a human can crush an ant—and usually with less remorse. It is very common, in fact it is practically human instinct, to gather at the water cooler and gossip. “Did you hear…” or “Can you believe what X did,” takes the place of a cry of pain, a stalking of a poor helpless animal, or a roar of conquest. Yet these very instinctive sayings emerge from very different motivations, and each results in different repercussions.

Understanding Rumors

Rumors satisfy a basic human drive: the need for security. Rumors are often ambiguous, yet informative and newsworthy. They are unverified, and thus there is no guarantee they are true. Rumors are also used in order to make sense out of things and tame a fear. Rumors tend to be more global, and thus result in more generalized consequences. Saying a plant will be closing down, or a police department is going to start making officers accountable to civilian review are examples of rumors that could have great impact on organizations. Rumors often result in the destruction of an organization’s reputation or status quo.

Understanding Gossip

Everyone loves to gossip: from celebrity gossip to who ate whose sandwich at work, people always find something to talk about. Gossip is for people who feel that they do not belong and thus try to fit in. Gossip is generally motivated by a sense (or a fear) of social isolation. A person is trying to fit into the group, or trying to manage the social network of the organization, will often try to break up other bonds so he or she can form his own bonds. So they start to gossip. This could also be an attempt to elevate his/her status within the group. While rumors tend to be more large-scale, gossip tends to be private behavior. “I saw Joe kissing the bosses wife.” It gets personal. It is gossip that tends to destroy an individual person’s reputation.

Understanding Urban Legends

When most people think of urban legends, they picture sitting around a campfire telling ghost stories. While this is certainly one way people understand urban legends, they are actually far more than folklore, myths, and ghost stories. Urban legends help people make meaning out of something; they endorse values and mores. A popular urban legend that gained notoriety when cars were first being marketed for the public domain involved a boyfriend driving with his girlfriend through a forest, breaking down, and eventually being killed by a psychopathic killer on the loose. This urban legend was started by worried parents and religious persons who were afraid cars would provide their children with new opportunities to have sex without being under watchful eyes. That was even before Elvis. Urban legends, when used in the corporate world, can destroy a value system of a company. Urban legends can be as innocent as the recounted story, or as harmful as the one that maintained General Motors was owned by Arabs and thus discouraged people from doing business with them.

gossiping babies

The #1 way to fight rumors, gossip, and urban legends is to speak up.

Each of these water cooler fantasies is socially different, but each can be destructive in their own way. I will be writing much more on this in future blogs and many can see me talk about this topic when I travel to police departments and corporations. For now, one bit of advice:

The #1 tip for dealing with rumors, gossip, and urban legends

 

Rumors, gossip, and urban legends are like counter-intelligence during war: they need to be corrected before they send a battalion on a wild goose chase. It is so easy to use the things you hear to evaluate another person’s performance, when in fact, this should have no bearing on it at all. Don’t use another person’s evaluation to determine the worth of something. The first rule for overcoming these water cooler predators may seem so simple, but it is often ignored. They will not disappear if you don’t say anything—and if you don’t say the same thing consistently. The actual idea that the best thing to do is ignore it is an urban legend all to itself. The next time you gather with your friends, co-workers, or family and someone says, “Hey, did you hear…” don’t just shrug your shoulders and listen. Instead, say something. And no, don’t respond by saying an even juicier piece of gossip—tell them that what they are doing is wrong and harmful, dispute it with evidence, tell them they will have to prove that one to you. Confront them. Make sure you do this every time someone opens his or her mouth to say something gossipy or rumor like. It may not make a difference the first time, or even the tenth time you say something, but slowly but surely we can create a new culture – a culture in which rumors, gossip, and urban legends have no place. This will help bring simplicity back into your life. 

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Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D. ABPP

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Police Psychology | Psychological Shot-Peening

Posted: April 23, 2015 in Police Stress
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Psychological  Shot-Peening

Let’s talk about an often overlooked police psychology concept – shot-peening.

controlled-shot-peening

The scientific ideas behind shot peening can be used to help explain mental health in stressful professions.

Now, I know shot peening isn’t a top 10 on anyone’s choice of psychological technique, but before you click on that little “x” button, hear me out. We’ve been discussing how scientific theories can extend to your head, and the practice of shot-peening is another example. Shot-peening is a process in which metal is hit with small bits of material, called “shot,” in order to prevent microcracks from turning into fissures. In the process, the metal becomes much stronger because the compressed fibers are now pushed tightly together. However, just like candy, ice cream, and the worm from a bottle of tequila, the benefits from shot-peening must be tempered by moderation. There is real truth to that favorite saying of dentists, doctors, and parents, “too much of a good thing is a bad thing.” If the welded metal is hit too many times, it can either bend or break—and neither of those outcomes is a good idea. In fact, the last thing you want to hear when you are on an airplane is, “It appears we are suffering from some technical difficulties. It seems the wings of the plane are…bending….”  That’s worse than, “I’m sorry sir, but we seem to be out of peanuts on this flight.”

Emergency room physicians, nurses, cops, even business people in strenuous times, are shot-peened. The exposure to pain and human suffering can strengthen them in a way that nothing else can. You can swing a bat all you want, but until you actually step up to the plate, look the pitcher in the eye, and play in a real game, you are not ready to face a 97-mile an hour pitch coming at you. Sure, the training you do can help prepare you, but it is your participation in many actual baseball games that strengthens your skills and gives you the experience to be a ball player. With cops, training is necessary and important, but the actual work they do is what strengthens them, consolidates their abilities and makes them calm and cool under pressure, able to tune out negative voices and trust in their own abilities.

The results of too much stress

ball_peen_hammer

Don’t let the stress in your life overwhelm you until you break.

But, shot-peening has a flip side too. Too much exposure to suffering, threats, and high-risks can be detrimental to the head of a cop. Too much crisis in business makes a person unable to react effectively. We call this operational stress (as opposed to institutional stress, lifestyle stress and traumatic stress). And just like with metal, there are two possible consequences for a man or woman — they can bend or they can break. If they break, they may experience a mental or emotional breakdown, or just decide to quit. If they bend, they can get too comfortable with suffering and problems, and develop an indifference to it. Neither of these possibilities seems good. As in metals, no two people are identical, and thus everyone can handle a different amount of stress before they break or bend.

How to deal with Stress

Engineers have developed a formula to determine exactly how much strain a piece of metal can handle before it cracks. You don’t hear engineers going around yelling, “You stupid piece of metal! Why can you handle less shot-peening than that other piece of metal?!” Rather, they reinforce the metal with other pieces in order to give it back its formerly solid grounding.

No one has a “people” formula. That’s why psychologists exist. Be aware of the shot-peeing you have been under, then read a good blog or talk it out, evaluate how you want to manage your time, and help create simplicity in life before you feel like you’ve been hit with a ball “peen” hammer.  Same principle, but the indentation it causes are bigger.

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Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D. ABPP

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Police Psychology | Know Your Hero

Posted: April 8, 2015 in Stories
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Know Your Hero

 

superman-logo-012a

Meet Suzie Sawyer–an unsung hero.

Heroes and heroism is important in police psychology. Let me tell you about one of my heroes. Over 30 years ago, Suzie Sawyer served as National Secretary for the Fraternal Order of Police Auxiliary and she proposed holding an annual National Memorial Service for police officers killed in the line of duty.  The first service had only 125 attendees.  To increase attendance, the National FOP planned a Board Meeting in Washington, DC, in 1983, and an evening get-together was planned on the eve of Peace Officers’ Memorial Day.    There were others, though, who found out about the party.  They were the people who came to Washington, DC, to hear their husband’s name read aloud at the Memorial Service…..the police widows.

So they are at this big police party and some of these widows began to cry.  The party mood was changing.  Suzie decided to take them elsewhere to preserve the festivity.  Little did she know she was doing something else as well.

Suzie loaded ten women in a couple of cars and they went to the DC FOP Lodge to talk.    Each widow told the story of their husband’s deaths, how the funeral was planned by the agency without their input, how difficult it was to go on with their lives, and how they had even had voices in their heads, and thoughts of suicide.  When they finished their discussion hours later, the ten women felt better and asked Suzie if they could continue having meetings.    Suzie was a little unsure of that request because, in those days, nobody in law enforcement ever talked about police death.  They buried their officers with pomp and circumstance, but once it was over, the families had to fend for themselves, trying to explain what happened to them and deal with the grief on their own.

Over the next several months, Suzie kept in touch with the widows who now wanted a national support group.  On May 14, 1984, Suzie started C.O.P.S. (Concerns of Police Survivors) to serve the surviving families of officers killed in the line of duty.   On May 14 ,1984, Suzie started a heroic journey.

“Get your butt up that tower,” barks Suzie Sawyer to the young widow at the C.O.P.S. Spouses’ Retreat.

“But I am afraid, Suzie.”

“What are you afraid of…making it to the top?   Put one foot above the other and get up that tower, now!”  A crowd of widows and staff cheer her on as the woman climbs.

The woman stops halfway up and shivers.  “You’re halfway there.  Think of how much you have accomplished already.  Keep going.”  The cheers rise; the woman continues to climb.  “See, there is nothing you can’t do if you put your mind to it.”

The tower is 50-feet tall and, yes, succeeding and getting to the top helps people realize how strong they are and that they can get through the grieving process.  Part drill sergeant, part psychologist, Suzie is always a sympathetic soul, determined, focused.  She is the ultimate positive person when you meet her, also.  Her personality is strong and infectious.  If she tells you that you can do something – you can and will do it. She helps you put in the effort and increase your self-esteem.

UnsungHero

Seek out the unsung heroes in your life and let them know how much they mean to you.

She got the grant money to make her organization bigger and financially sound.  You can’t turn Suzie down.  They own the building they reside in.  She has 13 employees budgeted, and, yet, it all started in the Sawyer basement.   She remembers people she only met once.  And people remember her.  I met her 20 plus years ago and I remembered her, even her name.  I had not seen her since, but her name came to mind when I started writing a blog.  She is a remarkable person.

With Suzie’s guidance, they run programs for the spouses of police officers killed in the line of duty.  They run programs for the kids of officers killed in the line of duty, and an Outward Bound Experience for teens and young adults.  They have programs for fellow officers, for parents, siblings, significant others, and adult children of the officers.  They give scholarships to surviving children and spouses wanting to study beyond high school; and they run a trauma education program for police officers across the country. If there is a need, C.O.P.S. will meet it. In all, they service over 30,000 families of officers killed in the line of duty.  And they do it with the same compassion as in the first forced meeting in the FOP Lodge in Washington, D.C.

And I am telling you, if you met Suzie you would not be surprised by any of this.  Her personality is that positive and that strong.  She is a true hero.  And so is her husband Buzz who puts up with Suzie having a passion, almost like another child, that takes a lot of Suzie’s time — the C.O.P.S. organization.

The Unsung Heroes in Your Life

You need to relish the heroes in your life.  You should seek out someone that has been a hero to you, and tell them.  If they are not alive, tell their son or daughter.  It changes you for the better when you do.  It will make you feel good, and it honors the memory.  People don’t do this enough.  I don’t know why.  Let me start with this article.

Thank you, Suzie, for making so many women climb that tower!

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Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D. ABPP

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Police Psychology | The Myth of Emotional Opposites

Posted: April 2, 2015 in Mastering Emotions
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The Myth of Emotional Opposites

 

Arrow

People tend to see emotions in terms of their opposites…but does this mindset negatively effect your mental health?

In therapy, while working in police psychology, I have learned that very negative people tend to suffer from “Shit City Syndrome,” meaning that their cynicism and view of life cause them to see all the bad parts of a situation.  Then they complain that they aren’t enjoying life.  Realize that your evaluations of the world cause you to create your world while you are evaluating it.  Essentially, if you see yourself in “shit city” you will live in “shit city” and lead a miserable existence.  It is sort of a turn on the self-fulfilling prophecy which is basically the evaluation of the self creates the self as you interact with the world.

To overcome this syndrome I use the Myth of Emotional Opposites.  I use this in my speeches, as well as, in my therapy.

I first ask the person what is the opposite of “pain,” and invariably get the word “pleasure.”  I ask then the opposite of “love,” and get the answer “hate.”  Finally, I ask for the opposite of “happy,” and get “sad” as the answer.  This is the setup, as I have gotten the same answers in a room full of mental health professionals, just like I’ve gotten the answer in a room full of everyday people.

I then have the person visualize that they have a compound fracture of the leg.  They fell over the doorway and broke their leg badly.  The bone is sticking out.  I ask them if they are in pain and they invariably reply yes.  Then, I tell them at the same time as they are writhing in pain waiting for the ambulance to come, their friend comes over and says, “remember last week when we were at that seminar with the fat guy (me) and we bought a lottery ticket.  Well, I just found out we won 134 million dollars.”  I then ask “Now, are you still in pain?”

I get stumbling when I ask this second question.  They can’t make sense of it.  Pain and pleasure are opposites; they can’t exist together.  Are you in pain or pleasure?  On the continuum line, pain and pleasure are on the opposite ends, so which is it?  You’re definitely in pain; you have a compound fracture.  And, if you are not in pleasure after winning 67 million dollars you’re a little weird.  I mean, you can’t be in love and hate someone at the same time, or can you?  You can’t be happy and sad at the same time, can you?

The Myth Revealed

Then I make my point, pain and pleasure are not opposites.  The opposite of an emotion or a feeling is not another emotion; it is the lack of an emotion.  The opposite of pain is no feeling.  The opposite of pleasure is no feeling.  The opposite of love is indifference; the opposite of hate is no feeling.  And this simple concept can lift you out of Shit City.

You see, the natural tendency for people is if there is a negative feeling, they don’t allow positive feelings to exist, or they reduce the positive feeling so much it has no value.  Emotional Shit City!  But our life has many different facets and we can be unhappy about say the relationship in our life and be happy about the amount of money we earn.  Or we can be sad for a loss in our life, but still enjoy the joys of an errant rose or a nice email card.  Our need is to focus on the parts of life that are going well, and allow time and other healing methods to happen in the bad areas.

Remove Stress with this Powerful Technique

Opposites

Find the good things in your life, and focus on them, instead of letting the bad overwhelm you.

Now it may sound a long way to go to teach a concept most people know that is common sense.  But remember, people don’t live with common sense.  In fact, common sense is not common at all.  They lose commons sense in emotion.  This technique has had a profound impact on people going through a grief process, people having problems with a teenager, people who have lost a love in their life, or even people after a critical incident.  It lessens the load and gives them permission to have some fun without feeling guilty because they have one bad thing in their life.  It is a powerful technique and can stop a person from feeling overwhelmed and consumed with something that happened to them. Implementing such a technique can help put the happiness and simplicity back in your life. 

Good luck with it if you choose to try it.

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Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D. ABPP

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