Archive for the ‘Mastering Change’ Category

Police Psychology | Apocalypse or Utopia:  You Decide

by Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D.  ABPP

 

I have learned a lot in my sixty years about the intricacies of the human mind.  I have learned about intelligence, about federal politics and the criminal mind.  I have learned a lot about women, and especially when to keep my mouth shut.  I am learning much more about children first hand, although I had a good handle on them before.  And, I am also learning first-hand about aging and the process of going toward the “finish line of life.”  But, I have never learned how to predict the future.

I will confess, I did not like Hillary Clinton.  I have talked to a lot of federal agents, secret service and the like, who were around her from her husband’s presidency on, and they were not flattering at all to her.  Him yes, her no.  I also don’t like the refugee situation she wanted to create, the destruction of evidence, the confiscated FBI files from when her husband was president, among other things.  On the other side, a close friend of mine did business with Donald Trump, and he was told point blank that he wasn’t getting what he was promised for work already done, for no other reason than Trump was cutting corners.  Trump’s brash, emotionally responsive, and unfiltered, and he says things that are just off.  He takes politically incorrect to a whole new level, and although I am far from politically correct, I am not as extreme.  Besides, I am mellowing with age.  What a choice, but the process is over and we go through an inauguration this week, one that is guaranteed to make some happy and others disgusted.  But, all said,  I still can’t predict the future.  What I can predict is we voted for change, and we are likely to get it.

Free Will on the Horizon

Change is always stressful and always a little disturbing.  Sometimes we look forward to change; sometimes we are afraid of it.  Some people handle change better than others.  After all, if our lives didn’t change we would remain in the same spot all the time.  When I talk about change, I am reminded about elephants in circuses and the expression an “elephant never forgets.”

Ever wonder why a circus elephant does not move.  It is held in by a little stake in the ground.  Ten thousand pounds and ability to uproot trees, and it is held in one spot by a small stake in the ground.  The way they used to train elephants to stay in one spot was when it was a baby they would tie a chain around it’s leg with a choke collar on the other end.  They would hammer a little stake into the ground.  The baby elephant would try to run away and move, and the choke collar would tighten and cause it pain.  It associated pain with movement and an “elephant never forgets.”  When it is a big elephant, it could easily pull up the stake and move freely, but it doesn’t.  It remembers the pain and stays in one spot.

I read this many years ago, and thought how people have free will, but working for 30+ years as a police psychologist set me straight about how people use free will.  Some people come in and say they can’t have another relationship because they were hurt in the past.  Circus Elephants.  Some people say there is no use trying on anything because they have failed before.  Circus Elephants.  Some people figure that conservative politics with a man they don’t have respect for will lead their life in a bad direction.  Could be a Circus Elephant, but who knows.  You see, Circus Elephants predict the future and are thus afraid of change.  They do not exercise free will.

Idiots Delight

Some say, I must be an idiot because I can’t predict the future with Trump.  Almost perfect GRE’s (the SAT for graduate school) and I am an idiot?   I don’t think so!  Some major Circus Elephants around in my life, I guess.  I just want to wait and see.  Building walls: I was at the Great China Wall and that was impressive.  Changing Obamacare:  I had insurance before that I paid for and I suspect I will have it at the end of this.  Friends with Russia:  I adopted a child in Russia and we made a few friends while there, and it wasn’t that bad.  I don’t know how any of these are going to change my life, but I am sure they will and I will look for it.  I would like a better life for myself, my wife and my daughter.  I suspect the same things that the Clintons and the Trumps want.  Is the president going to change that?  I can’t predict the future, so I am going to relax and enter the future, keeping my free will to adjust to whatever change comes.  I’ll be alright.  Will you?

One thing I have learned through the years is life is cyclical.  In my life, we went from Democrat, to Republican, to Democrat, to Republican.  Actually, I started with Eisenhower, so my life started with a Republican.  What it seems happens is whether your politics are conservative or liberal, the solution doesn’t work for everyone and we focus more on the bad than the good, thus we keep changing.  If Trump does everything he promises, he is still going to piss some people off, just the way Obama did and Bush did, and, Bill and Hillary did.  That’s why we change.

I keynoted a couple of conferences for the FBI after 9-11 when they were changing into more of a terrorist focus.  Many unhappy folks because change was coming.  So I developed 10 ways to look at change for the people in the audience.  I offer them to you today:

  1.  Thing inevitably change in life.
  2.  Fifty percent adapt well to changes, fifty percent do not adapt at all.  I am going to be in the good fifty.
  3.  I have free will and can make this change work for me.
  4.  Changes have gotten me to the point that I am now.
  5.  If I can wait out the change, it will change again.  Pendulums swing in all parts of life, both ways.
  6.  I can enjoy watching the others that do not want to change as they struggle and flail all around.
  7.   If I adjust to the change, I will be better off at the end of this presidency.
  8.   I make decisions for me and my family. I adjust to the decisions of others.
  9.   I don’t get to pick the disasters in life, just my reactions.
  10.   Movement is good.  Change creates movement.  I choose direction.

Hopefully, one or more of these phrases get you past a momentous Inauguration this Friday.  Trust the process.  Trust the Change!  Trust Yourself!!

 

Site Administrator:  Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D. ABPP

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Police Psychology:  New Year’s Resolutions

by Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D.  ABPP

 

I asked my intern what her New Year’s Resolutions were and she said she wanted to go to the gym more often, graduate college and get a job. She also wanted to make her room less messy. I want to be able to still remember when I graduated college, or got my first real job, and I have given up long ago on the gym or the clean office. “I can’t stand all the disgusting youth at the gym. It’s all over the place.” Her resolutions don’t really help me decide mine. I must find someone else. I must ask my patients.

Less anxious, less angry, happier, less complaining, drink less, etc. My patients weren’t much help either. I actually need to drink more (red wine is good for the heart), get angry on more occasions, and care enough about things to give a damn about complaining. Where will the search for a resolution lead me next. Sure, I need to lose weight, clean up the office and ten thousand things around work, but what about real resolutions. (more…)

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Police Psychology | Police Divorce Part 2:  Hate to Admit

by Dr. Gary S. Aumiller

When I was in my late 20’s and just married, I asked a friend of ours (who was really old, a few years short of 40) what was it like to be divorced?  police, divorce, psychologyDoes it feel different?!  He had an early marriage that didn’t work, and frankly divorce wasn’t in my wheel of experiences then, so I was curious.  He said “it was really rough at first, but looking back now it was just a relationship gone bad, like you had in high school or college.”  I didn’t buy it.  I mean this was a marriage, the sanctity of vows, building a life together, dreams, together goals, and all that jazz.      

So you’ve started the process of getting a divorce.  You’ve stopped blaming the other party.  You’ve stopped envisioning him in a refrigerator box living on the streets or her in a mental hospital, now you have to do something, right?   Time to find some loose women and play the field, or find a real man that knows how to take care of a woman, or play on the other team for awhile and gain some new experiences with your own sex, or become more independent and find yourself by jumping out of a plane, or perhaps stay with that new love that got you out of your marriage and will lead you to eternal bliss.  Let me know how these work out for you.  I’ll be waiting for you to boomerang to the same spot you are in right now.  (more…)

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Police Psychology | Police Divorce Part 1: Shutting Down the Blame Game

by  Dr. Gary Aumiller, Ph.D.    ABPP

The real cause of police suicide is divorce or marital problems. Internal affairs investigations are a distant second. I would venture to say divorcewhen human error comes into play in car chases, and misjudgments by cops, there is often a divorce behind it. As the rest of the regular world, most officers going through a divorce can think of nothing else in that time. They find they have a hard time concentrating and they lose focus easily. Their emotions are on edge, and deep sleep is a sporadic visitor in their life. Not so bad if you are an accountant, but it can be a killer if you are a cop. Literally. And it doesn’t have to be that way. This series on Divorce is about how to calm down a divorce when you are facing one. The first thing we want to talk about is the Blame Game.

I was a consultant with the FBI and we decided to throw three conferences to find out what was really going on with police officers. They were going to invite the best people in the world for these conferences and give them a place to stay in the academy to discuss issues on the topics. The first was Domestic Violence in law enforcement officers, the second was Suicide and the third was Divorce. The first two came off wonderfully and gave the field the basis for policy and program development. The third was interrupted by an internal transfer and lockdown after 9/11. At that conference most psychologists would have stood up and presented internet quote of the police divorce rate being 60-70% (in the general population, somewhere around 45-50% deal with a divorce in a lifetime). A psychologist from Virginia named Mike Aamodt would have gotten up and presented a very logical technique to show that the divorce rate was the same as the general population or that there was no good research on it in policing (he actually did that research anyway using census data). I would have gotten up and presented an innovative treatment program which would have been ignored by mostly everyone for ten years.  There is one thing I can tell you for sure, a cop is much more likely to go through a divorce than shoot his weapon at an assailant in his career, but most academies train how to shoot repeatedly and going through divorce not at all. So let’s begin by learning how to treat a divorce in policing. (more…)

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Police Psychology | I’m Dreaming of a RIGHT Christmas

 

While I was building my police psychology practice when I was starting out, I used to work in a high school as a school psychologist. As part of my program I ran weekly groups for the kids where they could talk and get some advice for minor problems. Often the groups got into major problems and I could come in and help out. I ran about 30 groups a week so it was a pretty big program encompassing over half of the junior and senior classes.

The Letter to Santa

Every other group session I would give them an exercise, and on alternating Police Psychology, santa, thumbsweeks they would just talk. At Christmastime, I remember the exercise distinctly. It was a fill-in the blanks letter to Santa. It started off “Dear Santa:” and went through lines like “give me _____ to improve my looks, ________ to improve my personality or make my fantasy of __________ come true.” I would get out all the insecurities of adolescence and they would encourage each other and find out even the prettiest people or the best athletes were insecure about something. I would close every letter with a P.S. which said “Thank you Santa for bringing me ______ and ______ last year.” It was cute, fit the season and got out some good therapy stuff. But I didn’t expect the result I got.

Almost all of the kids could not fill in the last two blanks! Some could get one, but two was very rare. Much to my surprise, they would easily write down their fantasy (sometimes I wish they hadn’t), but would never be able to remember what they had gotten last year from their parents. It was explained that they were just to write what their parents had given them, and none could do it. This was an affluent school, and these kids got major gifts, but that was not one of their memories. So I started asking questions and many could tell me Christmas traditions in their family, such as singing carols or visiting a poor family with gifts, but none could remember what they had gotten, unless it was an activity gift like going to a ballgame with their dad or something.

Christmas Traditions

I don’t know why I was surprised. I can remember grandpa’s Christmas ravioli, we’d stay up late at night making them and we’d get to taste on raw if we were good. I remember the late night card games when we were kids where we always seemed to win at the end; and I remember the little homemade Christmas ornaments all the neighbors used to give each other — so simple and beautiful. But I only remember two gifts throughout the years. I got a drum set in first grade. I remember it because I played it non-stop for days – just banging my heart out. I loved those drums. Funny, when I went back to school after the break, I came home and my mother said burglars broke in the house and stole my drum set. Nothing else, just my drum set. I also remember a 007 briefcase that used to shoot little plastic bullets out the side of it. My brother hit me with one of the bullets in the eye. The Christmas burglars came back for that, even though we had moved. How’d the burglars know! Never did figure that out. Maybe that is why I became a police psychologist—to catch criminals.

My brother had a cool tradition at Christmas. Every year he would tape and interview his kids at holiday time asking them who were their friends, what they were learning and what they wanted for Christmas, etc. When they got a little older, each Christmas we’d watch the tape from 5 or so years before and the present tape. What a great little gift for all of us, including the kids, to see the kids growing up on tape each year. They’re now around 4+ and my niece’s kids watch it. This is a great tradition.

My clients have gotten their teenager a car. They feel it will get him away from the video games. He not a real hard worker, doesn’t try too hard in school, never had an after school job. He used to be into skating, but it was too much work, so now he is a video whiz, in fact skipped school a few times when new games are released. But he is an ace at video games. Ninety percent of what the parents talk about in therapy is the misery the kid is putting on their lives.  I will have to tell them of the Christmas burglars.

Police psychology: simple steps3 Simple Steps to a Tradition

  1. Enjoy the Season, Not the Day — Make the buying of the tree a big event. Keep Santa Claus alive even after the kids are grown. Get together with neighbors before Christmas/Hanukkah. Invite neighbor over to light a candle and have a glass of cider. Go caroling. Make special foods over a period of weeks. This is a glorious time of year. Enjoy every moment of it.
  1. Time Gifts — Kid and adults remember and react to gifts of time. Thinks about making purchases of ball games, concerts, shows, vacations, anything that will take a little pleasure away from an item that you bought. Christmas and Hanukkah are times of great anticipation; keep that alive by giving a gift of time in the future.
  1. Friend in Need – I didn’t make this one up, but Christmas/Hanukkah is a time to share your good fortune with others, even if that good fortune doesn’t have any money attached. Adopt a family, buy a random gift for a kid with parents struggling, cook something and bring it to others in need. I used to throw huge parties in my younger days and tell people instead of something for me, bring a toy that I can give to a child in need at Christmas. We are all in this world together, do you part to make someone happier.

Some gifts last!! It will be what you do at a holiday season that makes a difference, not what material things you give. We tend to forget that this time of year. We get caught up in the commercialism of the holidays and forget to start the traditions. Start a new tradition this Christmas or Hanukkah and see where it takes you. You will like the outcome. Have a great holiday season this year.

Blog Administrator: Gary S. Aumiller, Ph.D.

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